Hopes, dreams and aspirations. We all had them when we were young. I remember some of mine. I enjoyed sports, the excitement, the challenges, the victories, and the camaraderie. Early on numbers where always easy for me, I could add, subtract, multiply, and divide faster than any one else my age, or four years older even. Cars became very important around 15, I can still remember my first Pontiac Firebird.
But with all the dreams of football, college, and a successful job making lots of money, they paled in comparison to what was really important to me, women.
F&S fans I ask that you work with me while I use my own website as therapy for myself.
Today I am a 43 years old, twice divorced single sober man. It was 10 years ago that marriage one failed, and about 5 years ago that number two was signed and stamped at the courthouse. Those events ring as the biggest failures in my life. I have had events happen to me over the past week that have really opened up the emotional flood gates of my past and I am in a sea of pain. Why have I failed so miserably with women, which early on in my life I identified was the most important. I just don’t know.
For all of my adult life up until about 4 years ago it was as easy as me saying hi to get a date with gorgeous woman or all types. I don’t want to really share some of these experiences but let me just say, I was very fortunate in this area. With height, good physical shape, important job titles, intelligence, a college degree, money and possessions, I was a kid in a candy store.
But life happened, and it happened VERY badly for about a one year period as I bottomed out in the world of drug and alcohol addiction. During this time period the “job titles”, money, possessions, where stripped away, and most likely will never come back, (if I even wanted them). However I gained God in a huge way, a new outlook on life, sobriety, and single-hood, again.
Today I am screaming in anguish over my inability to even connect at an entry level with a woman. Listen I have been attempting all the things that it seems “modern dating” is supposed to be. Match and other on-line internet dating sites, sitting on street corners, attempting to start up conversations at grocery stores, you name it. All dismal failures.
Here has been a typical date: We meet for coffee, talk for 10 to 15 minutes, I can see that I really have no interest in her for any number of reasons, she most likely sees that I don’t have money or care to, don’t drink and don’t care to, don’t do drugs and don’t care to, and believe that our country is about to collapse and she doesn’t, she believes we are in an economic recovery and living in the matrix.
We go our ways and never even text each other thanks how about date two, the end.
Today I am battling the greatest gift that God has given me, “The glasses of truth”. These glasses of truth have provided me with discernment and wisdom. This impacts my dating world immensely, I can see lies as they come out of people’s mouths, I can see those that came to our dates on pain medication or other drugs. I can see that they are not the people that are posted in their pictures or written about in their profiles.
If someone would have told me that when I was 43 years old I would be a single man, with a broken heart from two failed marriages and unable to connect with women in the 4 years leading up to that age, I would have said “NO WAY, that’s crazy talk”.
Guess what it is not crazy, it is reality. A reality that is hitting me very hard right now.
I imagine many of my readers are single, or therapists, or in similar situations, feel free to join me in some tears.
PS: I will return to my regular blogging soon.